How often is Mr/Mrs Right your Dating Type?


We all have our list of who we’d classify as appropriate partners for us. Our ‘type’ of person who we envisage spending the rest of our lives with. However is looking for our ‘type’ the right approach to dating? The surprising results in dating site eHarmony’s research is that 69% of people they surveyed are in thriving relationships but not with someone whom they would have defined as their “type”.

Meanwhile 75% of singles admit to avoid dating people that don’t meet their “type” criteria. This means that there’s a direct contradiction between how people date and whom they actually marry.

Dating sites and matchmaking services are designed to set people up based on their objective classifications that they enter into the site, as they look for their elusive type. Where online dating falls short is they forget about that primitive, old fashioned reality called love chemistry. Comedian and sociologist Aziz Ansari points this out in his book “Modern Romance”. He complains that what makes or breaks a relationship can’t be found through the use of an algorithm. Chemistry, that elusive glue that connects people, confounds algorithm parameters. Algorithms don’t create chemistry. In fact, there’s no connection between them.

Dating sites make people feel they are doing “something” to find love. Just because you’re doing “something” doesn’t mean it is effective, or a good idea.

So what can we do with this information? If there is no scientific measure that enables people to connect, and what people think they want in a partner is irrelevant, what can guide people to find their one and only?

The real answer to finding true love, I believe, lies in the energy we transmit. Rather than shifting the onus onto others to be the ‘perfect’ partner. By taking responsibility and being true to who we are, we become more attractive. Being this attractive person makes others want to connect with us. This means we have a higher chance of attracting our life soul mate, as our behaviour invites others with positive energy into our sphere.

To make sure your dating type and your real life partner don’t contradict each other, consider the following:

1) Distinguish between wants and needs

People often confuse this and it gets them into trouble. A need is something you can’t live without like honesty, respect, and feeling you can be yourself. A want is something that can easily be done without. An MBA, a straight nose, a passion for foreign films. Wants are different for each person. Taking the time to distinguish between wants and needs creates clarity and opens up more dating possibilities.


2) Beauty is really skin deep

Just because you are attracted to a certain look, doesn’t mean all people who look the same will work for you as a marriage partner. Rather than searching for a look, focus on how you feel with people you meet. Going deeper means that you’re investing in a real, authentic relationship that will hold you in good stead for the future.


3) Be in Touch with Your Energy

Focus on the energy you radiate and what it is about other people that you connect with. Ask yourself, ‘Do I feel at ease with this person? Can I be myself around him/her?’


4) Distinguish between people who make you feel calm as opposed to being swept up with excitement

While excitement is great for the initial connection (we all love the spark), it requires a lot of stoking. Feeling calm is an important and fundamental aspect of marriage as it helps us create a peaceful home.


5) It’s all about what you focus on

When you connect well with someone, even if you aren’t initially physically attracted, allow yourself to focus on the aspects you like. Where you focus is what you’ll see. When you centre on someone’s wonderful qualities, the attraction and relationship will inevitably follow. Creating a partnership based on values, respect and authenticity, rather than an imagined ‘type’ that you once thought you wanted.

About the Author:
Micki Lavin-Pell, MS, MA is a Marriage and Family Therapist and Relationship Coach, since 2002. She has worked with hundreds of individuals and couples to help them create relationships which fulfill them, enabling them to thrive. With individuals she explores: the role of attraction; overcoming barriers preventing them from creating relationships, navigating the transition from dating to relationship to marriage. Micki works with clients from all around the world via Skype. Check out her website to learn more about how she helps her clients create the relationships they want and how she may be able to help you too:

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